Overrated And Boring

That's Nurin, my niece. I've finally met her! Yes, have to agree, she is one cutie. She's heavy too. Tak larat angkat. Or maybe, tak reti angkat. Angkat? Ke dukung? Entah. Tapi sangat sangat comel lah, rasa nak chop chop.

Well right now, i'm getting used to everything. From speaking to looking to semualah. I even looked at the same old things differently now, it's very weird. It's like i just landed from a totally different planet.

But right now, conditions are not quite like most of u expect me to be having, so stop imagining things. Mak abah are busy now. A proper family dinner has not yet occured but soon i shall be having one. Right now, mak just got back from work and it's sunday. Now mak's cooking fast to catch a friend's wedding later, so she's cooking maggi goreng. Haha. Maggi goreng pun maggi goreng lah. Nana said i should be getting used to not having everything served. Rumah ni macam rumah bujang dia kata. Okay, i'll deal with that.

Okay, mak dah panggil makan maggi.

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P/s: I miss you

Thursday

7th August 2008

Flight  depart : 5.15pm

Amman - Dubai - Kuala Lumpur

Kemas-kemas laci terjumpa,

surat Asma'  beri masa hari jadi yang ke-19 masa 1st year dulu. Panjang. 

kertas Hazim, Acap & i scribbled during immune lecture pasal Ahmad & dream wedding. Kelakar. 

resit lama Mawah conteng, ada dua orang lidi pegang tangan saying ' friends forever & i love you always' .........

note kecik Caca tinggal atas meja dulu sebelum pindah saying 'Caca sayang kak ida'. .........

Maybe it's a good thing i'm packing all my belongings without anybody else in the room.

Many have been asking for the definite reason for why i've chosen to leave this town.  

Most of the time i took time answering. Trying not to make my words sounded cold & flat. So they would remember me as a person who left because of nothing lesser than wanting to gain something greater at home. Careful not to hurt anybody by surprise, i did not specify.

To few i replied fast, with words that were far from kind & general. Witnessed only by those whom i know their perception of me would not budge once i finished, the confession went all wet.

If only i could let some feel my heart without me having to open my mouth, i would. If only i could do more to show that it wasn't an easy decision, i would. If only i could form a sentence that had the right words, i would. If only i had answers to my own questions, believe me i would.

I've always thought that i've become a stronger person than i was before. Now i just don't know anymore. I apologize to myself for not being one. I apologize to those who are dear to me for not being one. I apologize to my family for not being one. And i apologize to anyone who knows me for not being one.

I don't even know why i'm writing this entry truth be told. Maybe i want people to know that i don't belong here and i'll love to leave. I want to leave. If any have felt the same way & tried to stay anyway, i believe that person is simply somewhere he belongs. And when my questions of science and consideration of everything else could not speak as loud as my heart, that was when i knew that i had to make a decision.

And no, it wasn't courage. It wasn't courage that made me spoke of something i've been longing to my mother. It was something else, something i've had growing inside me for the past few years. To still pick up the phone knowing the words i was about to say were going to disappoint her, it wasn't easy. To know that i would hurt her. To dial her number with everybody's faces flashing at the back of my head like they mattered. To say, Mak, Ida nak balik... 

It's like begging to be taken back to the start.