The Decision Made
Pursuit Comments Off 
Many have been asking for the definite reason for why i've chosen to leave this town.
Most of the time i took time answering. Trying not to make my words sounded cold & flat. So they would remember me as a person who left because of nothing lesser than wanting to gain something greater at home. Careful not to hurt anybody by surprise, i did not specify.
To few i replied fast, with words that were far from kind & general. Witnessed only by those whom i know their perception of me would not budge once i finished, the confession went all wet.
If only i could let some feel my heart without me having to open my mouth, i would. If only i could do more to show that it wasn't an easy decision, i would. If only i could form a sentence that had the right words, i would. If only i had answers to my own questions, believe me i would.
I've always thought that i've become a stronger person than i was before. Now i just don't know anymore. I apologize to myself for not being one. I apologize to those who are dear to me for not being one. I apologize to my family for not being one. And i apologize to anyone who knows me for not being one.
I don't even know why i'm writing this entry truth be told. Maybe i want people to know that i don't belong here and i'll love to leave. I want to leave. If any have felt the same way & tried to stay anyway, i believe that person is simply somewhere he belongs. And when my questions of science and consideration of everything else could not speak as loud as my heart, that was when i knew that i had to make a decision.
And no, it wasn't courage. It wasn't courage that made me spoke of something i've been longing to my mother. It was something else, something i've had growing inside me for the past few years. To still pick up the phone knowing the words i was about to say were going to disappoint her, it wasn't easy. To know that i would hurt her. To dial her number with everybody's faces flashing at the back of my head like they mattered. To say, Mak, Ida nak balik...
It's like begging to be taken back to the start.
Reader Comments (8)
sorry for i was not there to help you all going through this difficult times right now:( i was here thinking of all you always:)
i believe u've made a wise decision by taking a course better than your life over there. it is strong of you to admit to yourself and follow your dreams like that.
although it is sad for me to part from you but i shall pray for your best and hopefully someday we'll meet again, and i wish that time we shall meet at the top!
fiiii~ uhuk3 :(
sorry too for not being the one you really need when you were in trouble. I am really a terrible friend for not being the one to rely on. Wishing u a happy life there, at our homeland. Pursue your ambition without thinking of the past. It just make your heart weak and hurt again. Maybe next time or someday, we will meet again. My prayers always be with you. Ameen. All the best Dr. Noor Hidayah bte Ibrahim!!!
stop saying sorry or i'll disable the comments immediately
apologize bole? i love that song. well, im not going to say im sorry. its true ive done several thing that might be something u didnt like. but ive done everthing i could to make u happy. i know i did. and i believe u know too~ so, no sorrys because i didnt regret anything ive done ;)
wekk wekk awe tiruuuu~
i think after this one, it will be disabled..
SORRY!! haha.. ok ok.. jgn disable nnti sia-sia adek tulis nih..
just take my apology(boleh?) for being such a lame adek, and not very supportive. it's just when the decision is made, nothing much can i do to turn it around. i know you have thought about it thoroughly. if not, it's totally not you.
i personally think you have made the best move. when something in the beginning doesn't have any chemistry, i believe it will never be. everybody has his own limit.
they always say there is ups and downs. this downs has been written there, and it may be the best for you. so buatlah macam peribahasa upsr dulu, turn over a new leaf.
jumpalah nnti kat malaysia..cyberjaya tu ibarat blakang rumah (i'm not that supportive ayte?)
p/s: baju tuh sgt ok.lawa. cuma i am not his big fan(kak sumi ye laa~). he's arrogant.
you are one of those i'll miss most. what matters is, ronaldo is 6 ft 1. wear it you doink.
and true, i'm ending this saddening confessing session. sorry sorry sila naik lorry.